Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Brain & Body Wipe Out

Wow. A wave of exhaustion just washed over me. My eyes suddenly felt insanely heavy and I slumped back into the couch. I want my bed, now. But it's only 7pm!

Today I've been insanely forgetful. I couldn't remember what movie we watched last night in bed and then I couldn't remember if an incident happened yesterday or today {It happened this morning. I couldn't even remember that 5 hours later}. I'd love to say I've been so busy that there's a million things running through my mind, or that I had a terrible night's sleep last night, but in reality, I've done nothing all day. Oh, and I also forgot something else, but I've forgotten what it actually was.

DH remarked that I'm going to the bathroom a lot. He said that last night, I went to the bathroom before we went to bed (10:30pm), I got up at 11:30pm to go again and then I fell asleep. I woke up at 12:30am to go to the bathroom, AGAIN. Today I've tried to keep count of the number of times I've been going to the bathroom, but it doesn't seem like a lot of times to me - six times so far but still counting.

But don't let me get ahead of myself. I don't want to think of anything as a possible symptom. I don't want to get my hopes up {Be still intuition-y feeling}.

I found myself on a website that details pregnancy symptoms from DPO1. These are all from real women and these symptoms turned into BFP's. I found myself mentally counting and tallying my 'possible' symptoms against that that other women have had. Luckily, I realised what I was doing and quickly closed the browser so I couldn't continue torturing myself.

I've tortured myself before - using Google all day to search for any twinge, cramp or mild ache I felt to see if it was a symptom. I kept a notebook besides me at all times and wrote everything down. I spent money on test after test and they were all resounding, bright BFN's. I actually cried when AF showed up. I cried into DH's chest because I'd worked myself up into a 'pregnancy' state.

I learnt from that though and I'm not going to get caught up in the hype again. That's why I'm determined to wait until AF is late. As much as part of me wants to pee on sticks and take pictures to post on the boards for all the girls to stare at - I don't want to get excited. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to cry when/if AF shows.

I'll continue to think positively. I'll continue to pray that this is our month. I'll continue to acknowledge my feel good, warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. But I'll also keep 'This might not be the month' in the back of my mind.

But I appreciate prayers and thoughts and bundles of baby dust. :)

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