Monday, January 11, 2010

Bad Night

So last night, I didn't get a lot of sleep. After a great BD session, I snuggled down, ready to get some sleep - little did I know it wouldn't happen so easily.

[Side note; I have three dogs. Two giant dogs, and a small one. They sleep on the bed, mostly by me (one on right upper side of body, other by legs on right side of body, small on by my feet). I'm so used to it, that it rarely bothers me anymore]

DH was tossing and turning, waking me up every time I drifted off to sleep. My big giant boy dog, who's really a big baby, was whining to get closer to me. DH grabbed his pillow and huffed, 'I'm sleeping in the other room.' He often does this - for about an hour - and then climbs back into bed with me.

So I finally fall asleep, a nice deep sleep full of dreams. One dream that I remember (and am mad because I woke up during it!) was that I had a BFP (big fat positive) on a pregnancy test. The strange thing was that it was a weird test, it didn't look like any test I've used before, or that I've seen. But it didn't matter, it was a pink dye test that was positive.

My dream was interrupted by my big dogs barking like mad. I couldn't understand what was going on - in my sleepy state. Suddenly I heard the roar of thunder and the flash of lightening and realised that was what was upsetting the pooches. They kept barking and I was trying to stop them. DH came into the room and got into bed and then the dogs seemed to settle down. I guess they needed their 'daddy' in bed too to feel safe. The sound of thunder seemed to put everyone to sleep - except me.

I didn't sleep well after that, I kept tossing and turning - paranoid because I know I need at least three hours sleep to get a good temperature reading in the morning. I finally fell asleep - it was definitely not the best sleep I've ever had, but at least I got about four hours sleep.

Yesterday we went and got some OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits). They were damn expensive, but we figured that at least we'd get a better idea of the big O time. I used one this morning and there's a faint line, but I'm not ovulating yet. According to online charts and such, I should be ovulating around the 15th or 16th. So DH and I have gonna get lots of BD in!

Every morning and every night I pray that this is the month. I'm so scared that it won't be. I got some new pictures of my niece today and wanted to cry. I definitely have baby fever - DH laughs at me because every time I see a baby I just smile. But I know it's what we both want. We both had a talk and said that money isn't great right now, but we also realised that there's always going to be something that will 'stop' us. It's never going to be the perfect time. We're both on board, 100% for our turn. We want to expand our family and I can't wait to be pregnant. So, please Lord, let this be our month.

I love being on different pregnancy boards, and I used to post up a storm. But this time, I've found myself holding back. I seem to analyse every possible symptom when I'm really active on the boards. I think I find myself looking for symptoms that aren't even there. That's why this cycle, I've pulled back from posting as much - I still lurk and congratulate the girls that get their BFP's - but I try to not get myself hyped up.

I find that it's really easy to get caught up in the excitement, the anxious wait, the symptom lists. I find myself getting lost in that world - and while it's a great world - it also messes with my head [and heart] a little. So this cycle, I'm taking the slow and steady approach. I'm not going to get excited. I'm not going to test until AF is officially late. (Which according to my calculations and those on sites around, is due around Jan 30th). I'll wait until AF doesn't show, then I'll test. I'm not going to analyse possible symptoms, I'm not going to read between the lines - at all - this cycle, is all gonna be about if AF is late.

I hate seeing a BFN when I test. I want to see a BFP. I know that your chances of getting a BFP if AF is late are higher than testing earlier.  (Obviously, that statement only reads true if you're pregnant.) So come Jan 30th or 31st, if AF hasn't arrived, then I'll break out the tests!

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